Is the wedding night your first time? Let these pointers give you peace of mind

One important piece of advice: Keep your sense of humor; it helps to relieve the tension.

Kobieta Wianek | Unsplash

Finally the night you’ve been waiting for, the wedding night, is almost here. It’s possible that you’ve both waited to have sex for twenty years, sometimes longer. You might be hopped up with high expectations, or you might be just plain nervous. Or a little bit of both. Because in theory, it’s easy to to put the act on a pedestal; this wondrous, moment of ecstasy, complete with choirs of angels in the background. But the reality? Well, it can be great, but often your first try isn’t going to be trumpeted by the heavens. So what’s the solution?

Well, it might have crossed your mind to have sex before the wedding. But speeding up the timeline because you’re worried about the logistics (or just being impatient) isn’t going to help ease any of these thoughts. I have been married for five years, and my preferences in the bedroom change approximately every six months. A family crisis, pregnancy, then nursing, then I’m exhausted at work or elated by good news … always with a healthy mixture of hormones to affect how I feel. Believe me, the logistics of passion are subject to change.

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If I’m honest, I’d say my libido jumps like a drunken kangaroo. And sometimes is falls to the ground and stays there. Add that to my husband’s libido, and you have a bedroom activity that constantly needs to be fine-tuned to avoid any dissonance. So I can say with a large amount of confidence that sex before marriage just to work things out will not guarantee that you will be any better matched for the future.

Does this all mean that you’re doomed to be disappointed on your wedding night? Not at all! This may be one of the most beautiful nights of your entire married life.

But it’s best to manage the way you think about the evening in the weeks leading up to the wedding. Don’t wait for your wedding night expecting to have the best physical experience of all time—you have your entire lives for that. But you can trust that emotions will be at an all-time high: The feeling of being awaited and chosen by your partner, and saying so in front of God, is wonderful.

Alright, so let’s get back to these famous logistics we were talking about: The first time after the wedding is literally the f-i-r-s-t time. Everything is new, unknown, different, fresh and exciting. From this moment on your body will forever be in a relationship with another body. Allow yourselves the time it takes to acknowledge and get used to that. Drop the expectations built up by articles, movies or your friends’ stories. Give yourselves the right to be a little ignorant, not to always know the right thing to do (because there are very few right or wrong ways). You will learn from each other slowly, and come together at your own pace.

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Just remember: When you are learning a new language, to master it you need to practice. You need to talk and talk and talk. First at the simplest level, then a little more advanced, and finally the communication will come naturally and elegantly. Intuition seemingly without thought. It’s similar with the language of our bodies: to learn it, you have to speak. So if the very first time isn’t the romanticized version you were both hoping for, that’s OK. You have plenty of practice ahead of you. And don’t forget that spoken language is important in the bedroom, too! Silence is the golden nail in the coffin–so don’t be stingy with words. Talk and actively listen to one another.

That first time (and then maybe the few dozen that follow it) it feels a little like dancing salsa while ice skating. In retrospect for an old married gal like me, it’s pretty amusing to think back on. So keep your sense of humor; it helps to relieve tension. I am certain that in many a bedroom on Earth, sex unfolds with swift action much like in a Broadway comedy. But there’s no need to pretend he’s Brad Pitt or you’re Duchess Kate. After all, you’ll both be naked … It would be foolish not to take advantage of that opportunity to be 100% yourself.

So be yourself, smile, laugh, and talk your way through it. A wedding night is the beginning of a great journey, and your minds and bodies are the map.

Natalia Białobrzeska
Natalia Białobrzeska
Wife to Maciek, mom to Wiwi and Jasiu. Together, with her husband, she runs a fan page and the blog DrużynaB. (TeamB) about the positivity of marriage and engaged parenting.

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